hot winter

what to write.....

not that anyone reads this.
but sometimes i am bored and i feel the need to write.

2 weeks until christmas.
lots of pictures to take.
people always be wanting some coffee.
lots of wedding things to plan. i love my husband-to-be.
aerobic dancing?? yeah, you heard me.
RMI of the wrist. it really does happen, man.

this quarter is going by fast already. only one quarter left then i'm out of ruston. i'm gonna miss this place. i learned a lot while i was here. but time here is not up yet.

so i'm reading this book, and at the end of the chapters it has some questions. well one of them was "name a time when you truly felt alive." i found that a very difficult question to answer. i want to feel alive.

"you have to own your days, every one of them,
or else the years go by and none of them belong to you."
-herb gardner


that's really all i have right now.

scanograms.

this is my latest work from my digital photography class. they're scanograms...pictures made with a scanner instead of a camera. it's a lot of fun and there's a lot you can do with it. i hope you like it (if anyone is actually reading this).

"welcome home" - shaun groves

take me
make me all You want me to be
that's all i'm asking
all i'm asking

welcome to this heart of mine
i've buried under prideful vines
grown to hide the mess i've made
inside of me
come decorate, Lord
open up the creaking door
and walk upon the dusty floors
scrape away the guilty stains
until no sin or shame remain
spread your love upon the walls
and occupy the empty halls
until the man i am has faded
no more doors are barricaded

come inside this heart of mine
it is not my own
make it home
come and take this heart and make it
all Your own
welcome home

take a seat
pull up a chair
forgive me for the disrepair
and the souvenirs from floor to ceiling
gathered on my search for meaning
every closet's filled with clutter
messes yet to be discovered
i'm overwhelmed
i understand
i can't make this place all that You can

come inside this heart of mine
it is not my own
make it home
come and take this heart and make it
all Your own
welcome home

i took this space that You places in me
redecorated in shades of greed
and i made sure every door stayed locked
every window blocked
and still You knocked

well...come inside this
heart of mine
it's not my own
make it home
come and take this heart and make it all Your own
welcome home...

take me
make me
all You want me to be
that's all i'm asking
all i'm asking

back to reality.

i'm back to life as a college kid once again. school is officially back in full swing. i realized today that i got spoiled rotten last year as far as classes are concerned. i really didn't have any difficult classes. the hardest thing was art history. now i'm facing a quarter jam packed full of work. i think i'm going to learn a lot, so that's a good feeling about the whole thing. i just don't know how much free time i'm actually going to have. i have a minimum of 20 hours a week at starbucks. close to 24 hours a week of class. plus homework. and i want to be able to do chi alpha services and crossroads community group. i just don't know where it's all going to fit. crazy crazy. i think i'll be okay. i just have to kick it into high gear. i'm excited about all of the challenges i'll be facing in my classes...mainly my painting class and my photography class. i'm not really very skilled at painting. i mean, i can do well enough to get by. so i really hope that i can learn a lot and improve a lot this quarter. i really have enjoyed the previous painting i have done...so i'd like to be good at it. i think my photo class is gonna be pretty hardcore. i'll hopefully be learning a lot more about the conceptual end of photography. that's something i haven't really pushed myself in, and i think it will open so many doors for me. i also hope i learn a lot more about the technical photography stuff. i just want to keep growing in my knowledge of photography and hopefully make some really great photos.

in other news...jonathan is back! hooray! it is so wonderful. i love him so incredibly much. we got to go to six flags in dallas on saturday. it was so much fun. it was just the two of us, and we rode rollercoasters ALL day long. 10 hours. it was amazing. i am still sore and stiff, but it was worth it. i'm glad we got to do a trip like that before we got too busy. i hope that we can find time to spend together even though we're both going to be insanely busy with school and work. he starts applying and interviewing for jobs soon...real jobs. like a career. it's pretty scary...and i'm not the one looking for a job. i know he's going to do so great. i just hope he can find something close by. i don't want to be far away from him. it's too hard. not fun at all.

dear drew,

i can't stop thinking about you today. my heart is completely overwhelmed...emotions from every end of the spectrum. i wish you were here. i miss you so much. i wish we had gotten to hang out more these last two years. i guess being in two different towns makes that pretty difficult. but i've always known i could count on you as a friend...no matter how much time or distance separated us. you have such a big heart. and you have never stopped sharing it. you can make any person smile...whether it's with humor or just the joy that radiates from you. i miss wednesday mornings at francois...and the endless movie adventures. and it makes me sad that we can't do that anymore. but i'm happy at the same time because you are so much better off than me. we sang a song in church today about being freed from chains and what it's like to live in freedom. you are experiencing that first hand! i can't even begin to imagine that, drew. i can't wait for that feeling. so while it is so sad to be here, missing you, i can have peace in knowing how amazing your life is right now. freedom beyond understanding. you waited on the Lord, drew...and now you have a new and awesome strength in Him. you are RUNNING without ever becoming weary...WALKING and not growing faint. drew...YOU'RE WALKING. that amazes me every single time i think about it. that's what makes me cry more than anything...but it's crying out of joy, not sorrow. i miss you so much, drewster. i really do. but i know that one day i will see you again. you lived a life here on earth that has been an example to so many people. i am encouraged every single day by your joy, your passion, your strength, your willingness, and your huge and loving heart. thanks for being such an amazing friend. you are extremely missed, but also extremely loved.

Love,
Hannah

it sucks when you think things are okay...

...but they're really not.

so many tough decisions and issues to face. i feel helpless.

i am so naive in thinking that i can just decide things are all good. and i just step into at full speed.

i need to learn how to proceed with caution. slow down. think first. it's okay to be positive, but don't be ignorant.



God is my only strength. something neat i learned today from rob bell's "velvet elvis":
"God is always present. We're the ones who show up."

He is never out of reach. the earth is His and everything in it. that means I am His. i belong to God. He WANTS me to belong to Him. it's not some obligatory thing. He chooses ME...just as I am. regrets, bad decisions, mistakes and all. He is standing right next to me so that together we can face my obstacles head on.

"Search for the Lord and for His strength, and keep on searching."
-1 Chronicles 16:11

everyday is new.

and today is a new day for me. i can truly feel the joy in my heart. things are okay. really okay.

i'm getting ready to go for a long walk. i think it's much needed for a lot of reasons.
1. exercise is good for you.
2. it's a chance to listen to good music on the ipod.
3. it's not even that hot outside.
4. exercise=endorphines. endorphines=happy times.
5. i can be by myself and just think.
6. my gym shorts are comfortable. and cute.

that's the end of my useless list. i'm big on list-making. usually the most useless lists. i like to schedule out my day in list form. from "meet cynthia at 3:30 pm" to "clip your fingernails". yeah...i'm pretty forgetful. so lists do keep me organized. whatever works.

i'm ready for fall to be here. i'm ready for afternoons at the park with jonathan. reading books, talking, and napping because there isn't anything else you'd rather be doing. i'm ready to have a face to face relationship with him again...i'm sick of this phone relationship mess. long distance is a beast. but we're making it. i think we've both learned A LOT this summer. so it hasn't been all bad.

i'm really rambling here, but that's just what i do generally. i need to get up and walk. so that is now what i am going to do.

okay. bye.

growing up.

i haven't done this whole blog thing in a while. i doubt many people will actually read this. i'll post thoughts...and probably some of my photography as well. you never know. i just felt like i wanted to write and so here i am.

sometimes i feel forced into being a grown up. i'm not ready for all of this yet. i'm not ready to deal with real life sometimes. but how can i grow up unless i run into things and just deal? at least i'm trying to learn how to deal. i hope i'm doing okay.

on a side note....i have amazing friends. AMAZING friends. it is so so good to feel that way. it's been too long since i've had good friends here in ruston with me. but i think i've finally reached that point.

on another side note...i found my old poem...i think the last poem i've ever written...and it just seemed to somewhat describe some of what i'm feeling now. so here we go again...


Fears oppressing
Heart confessing
Thoughts distressing
Stop this obsessing

Body aching
Hands shaking
Thoughts mistaking
I am breaking

Silent obscenity
Shattered identity
Haunting memory
Desperate for serenity

Hopeless seeking
Insides shrieking
Everyone critiquing
Afraid of speaking

Never complying
Spirit dying
Constantly crying
Truth is lying



life is a slap in the face sometimes. but i know i can overcome these obstacles. God is good and faithful. He is my strength and i cannot forget that.

i will not forget.