it sucks when you think things are okay...

...but they're really not.

so many tough decisions and issues to face. i feel helpless.

i am so naive in thinking that i can just decide things are all good. and i just step into at full speed.

i need to learn how to proceed with caution. slow down. think first. it's okay to be positive, but don't be ignorant.



God is my only strength. something neat i learned today from rob bell's "velvet elvis":
"God is always present. We're the ones who show up."

He is never out of reach. the earth is His and everything in it. that means I am His. i belong to God. He WANTS me to belong to Him. it's not some obligatory thing. He chooses ME...just as I am. regrets, bad decisions, mistakes and all. He is standing right next to me so that together we can face my obstacles head on.

"Search for the Lord and for His strength, and keep on searching."
-1 Chronicles 16:11

everyday is new.

and today is a new day for me. i can truly feel the joy in my heart. things are okay. really okay.

i'm getting ready to go for a long walk. i think it's much needed for a lot of reasons.
1. exercise is good for you.
2. it's a chance to listen to good music on the ipod.
3. it's not even that hot outside.
4. exercise=endorphines. endorphines=happy times.
5. i can be by myself and just think.
6. my gym shorts are comfortable. and cute.

that's the end of my useless list. i'm big on list-making. usually the most useless lists. i like to schedule out my day in list form. from "meet cynthia at 3:30 pm" to "clip your fingernails". yeah...i'm pretty forgetful. so lists do keep me organized. whatever works.

i'm ready for fall to be here. i'm ready for afternoons at the park with jonathan. reading books, talking, and napping because there isn't anything else you'd rather be doing. i'm ready to have a face to face relationship with him again...i'm sick of this phone relationship mess. long distance is a beast. but we're making it. i think we've both learned A LOT this summer. so it hasn't been all bad.

i'm really rambling here, but that's just what i do generally. i need to get up and walk. so that is now what i am going to do.

okay. bye.

growing up.

i haven't done this whole blog thing in a while. i doubt many people will actually read this. i'll post thoughts...and probably some of my photography as well. you never know. i just felt like i wanted to write and so here i am.

sometimes i feel forced into being a grown up. i'm not ready for all of this yet. i'm not ready to deal with real life sometimes. but how can i grow up unless i run into things and just deal? at least i'm trying to learn how to deal. i hope i'm doing okay.

on a side note....i have amazing friends. AMAZING friends. it is so so good to feel that way. it's been too long since i've had good friends here in ruston with me. but i think i've finally reached that point.

on another side note...i found my old poem...i think the last poem i've ever written...and it just seemed to somewhat describe some of what i'm feeling now. so here we go again...


Fears oppressing
Heart confessing
Thoughts distressing
Stop this obsessing

Body aching
Hands shaking
Thoughts mistaking
I am breaking

Silent obscenity
Shattered identity
Haunting memory
Desperate for serenity

Hopeless seeking
Insides shrieking
Everyone critiquing
Afraid of speaking

Never complying
Spirit dying
Constantly crying
Truth is lying



life is a slap in the face sometimes. but i know i can overcome these obstacles. God is good and faithful. He is my strength and i cannot forget that.

i will not forget.