gusts over 30 mph with a low of 29.

it is just so beautiful and amazing to me what happens when you seek the Lord. He is so faithful. I would've given up on me so long ago. but He loves me. and that is also beautiful and amazing. with all of my flaws and mistakes, He loves me. just as i am. that feels good. in a world where acceptance is so important and the fear of rejection is always in our faces, it feels good to know that i am accepted just as i am no matter what...all the time.

on another note...because i am a completely distracted and scatter-brained person...the wind is blowing like crazy outside. it's such a beautiful day (FINALLY!!) but i'm afraid i might blow over if i go outside. but that breeze is amazing. i love the feeling of the wind. something so strong and evident in feeling but not in sight. that's cool. i wanted to close my eyes as i walked out of class today and just let the breeze blow me along. but i had to cross the main road across campus, and i wasn't really planning on dying today...so i kept 'em open.

additionally....seriously, i think i need ADD medication....i have been on a cleaning spree the last two days. maybe i secretly love cleaning. or maybe i'm just procrastinating reading this extremely wordy book on photography. don't get me wrong, i love photography. but the lady that wrote this book may be more scatter-brained than me. i'm not really good at reading to retain information. i can read a whole page and not have a clue what any of it said. i'm more of an active learner. i have to highlight and underline in order to remember. but this is a library book and i don't think they like it when you write in those. should've bought my own copy, but after spending over 200 dollars on photo paper in the last 2 months, i'm not really willing to spend any more money than i have to spend. i'm supposed to be saving anyway since i will only have a job for one more month. i can't believe my ruston chapter is coming to an end. i still have four months left though...and i want to make the most of it. as much as i'm ready to leave sometimes, i really do love this town and the people that are in it. i'm taking some wise advice and living NOW...not just living for what will be happening in my future.

i love my friends.

"decide to be happy."

here are some photos i've been working on for a class assignment: "before and after". we were supposed to pick an issue in our life that we wanted to change..something past, present, or future. we had to document the negative aspects of the issue (before) and then document how we could change it and what the outcome would be (after). i wanted to do something personal...not just something like "wake up earlier" or "eat better". so i decided to use my photography to document something i have struggled with in the past...and that is depression. so here are my photos of life with depression...and how to change that. my theme is "decide to be happy". it's a quote from a book we had to read for class, "Letters to Cagney". it really hit home with me because it is something i have had to do over and over again. and it is one of the best decisions you can make.

p.s. thanks corrie for being a wonderful model!!


before:






and after:

no it ain't no way to be

i'm trying to peel back the layers of myself. i have to face my insecurities and just come to grip with how i i really feel. it takes time to heal, and the more i look for quick fixes in the world the longer it will take. i am realizing that a lot of what i do is to try and cover up how i really feel somehow. i relish in the attention of others because i don't feel adequate enough. i seek what i don't need so that i can feel wanted. i KNOW that i'm wanted so why do i do this?? i have no clue. it's heartbreaking to realize. i just need to keep telling myself that i am good enough. i need to be healed and to know in my heart that i am loved...i don't need to seek "love" from this world. that will never be enough. God is the only true healer. in HIS name we are healed. nothing else will do.

i think i need a sunrise.

i want to be a talented writer again. how do you just lose a talent? where does it go? i would like it back. i have all these things inside that i want to say, but i can't get them out. they're just stuck somewhere. if i could find the plug that holds it all in i would pull it and a huge wave would come rushing out. the pressure is built up and i can't find a release. when does this end?

stuck in a rut.

this is such a confusing place. i have so much going on inside of my head. i feel like if i truly start to think about things that i might explode. i don't know if i put myself here or not. i'm just confused right now. i need some direction. i need change. everyday is school and work. i need something exciting. something different or unexpected. something risky, unpredictable. i don't know. i really don't.