no it ain't no way to be

i'm trying to peel back the layers of myself. i have to face my insecurities and just come to grip with how i i really feel. it takes time to heal, and the more i look for quick fixes in the world the longer it will take. i am realizing that a lot of what i do is to try and cover up how i really feel somehow. i relish in the attention of others because i don't feel adequate enough. i seek what i don't need so that i can feel wanted. i KNOW that i'm wanted so why do i do this?? i have no clue. it's heartbreaking to realize. i just need to keep telling myself that i am good enough. i need to be healed and to know in my heart that i am loved...i don't need to seek "love" from this world. that will never be enough. God is the only true healer. in HIS name we are healed. nothing else will do.

i think i need a sunrise.

i want to be a talented writer again. how do you just lose a talent? where does it go? i would like it back. i have all these things inside that i want to say, but i can't get them out. they're just stuck somewhere. if i could find the plug that holds it all in i would pull it and a huge wave would come rushing out. the pressure is built up and i can't find a release. when does this end?

stuck in a rut.

this is such a confusing place. i have so much going on inside of my head. i feel like if i truly start to think about things that i might explode. i don't know if i put myself here or not. i'm just confused right now. i need some direction. i need change. everyday is school and work. i need something exciting. something different or unexpected. something risky, unpredictable. i don't know. i really don't.

hot winter

what to write.....

not that anyone reads this.
but sometimes i am bored and i feel the need to write.

2 weeks until christmas.
lots of pictures to take.
people always be wanting some coffee.
lots of wedding things to plan. i love my husband-to-be.
aerobic dancing?? yeah, you heard me.
RMI of the wrist. it really does happen, man.

this quarter is going by fast already. only one quarter left then i'm out of ruston. i'm gonna miss this place. i learned a lot while i was here. but time here is not up yet.

so i'm reading this book, and at the end of the chapters it has some questions. well one of them was "name a time when you truly felt alive." i found that a very difficult question to answer. i want to feel alive.

"you have to own your days, every one of them,
or else the years go by and none of them belong to you."
-herb gardner


that's really all i have right now.

scanograms.

this is my latest work from my digital photography class. they're scanograms...pictures made with a scanner instead of a camera. it's a lot of fun and there's a lot you can do with it. i hope you like it (if anyone is actually reading this).

"welcome home" - shaun groves

take me
make me all You want me to be
that's all i'm asking
all i'm asking

welcome to this heart of mine
i've buried under prideful vines
grown to hide the mess i've made
inside of me
come decorate, Lord
open up the creaking door
and walk upon the dusty floors
scrape away the guilty stains
until no sin or shame remain
spread your love upon the walls
and occupy the empty halls
until the man i am has faded
no more doors are barricaded

come inside this heart of mine
it is not my own
make it home
come and take this heart and make it
all Your own
welcome home

take a seat
pull up a chair
forgive me for the disrepair
and the souvenirs from floor to ceiling
gathered on my search for meaning
every closet's filled with clutter
messes yet to be discovered
i'm overwhelmed
i understand
i can't make this place all that You can

come inside this heart of mine
it is not my own
make it home
come and take this heart and make it
all Your own
welcome home

i took this space that You places in me
redecorated in shades of greed
and i made sure every door stayed locked
every window blocked
and still You knocked

well...come inside this
heart of mine
it's not my own
make it home
come and take this heart and make it all Your own
welcome home...

take me
make me
all You want me to be
that's all i'm asking
all i'm asking

back to reality.

i'm back to life as a college kid once again. school is officially back in full swing. i realized today that i got spoiled rotten last year as far as classes are concerned. i really didn't have any difficult classes. the hardest thing was art history. now i'm facing a quarter jam packed full of work. i think i'm going to learn a lot, so that's a good feeling about the whole thing. i just don't know how much free time i'm actually going to have. i have a minimum of 20 hours a week at starbucks. close to 24 hours a week of class. plus homework. and i want to be able to do chi alpha services and crossroads community group. i just don't know where it's all going to fit. crazy crazy. i think i'll be okay. i just have to kick it into high gear. i'm excited about all of the challenges i'll be facing in my classes...mainly my painting class and my photography class. i'm not really very skilled at painting. i mean, i can do well enough to get by. so i really hope that i can learn a lot and improve a lot this quarter. i really have enjoyed the previous painting i have done...so i'd like to be good at it. i think my photo class is gonna be pretty hardcore. i'll hopefully be learning a lot more about the conceptual end of photography. that's something i haven't really pushed myself in, and i think it will open so many doors for me. i also hope i learn a lot more about the technical photography stuff. i just want to keep growing in my knowledge of photography and hopefully make some really great photos.

in other news...jonathan is back! hooray! it is so wonderful. i love him so incredibly much. we got to go to six flags in dallas on saturday. it was so much fun. it was just the two of us, and we rode rollercoasters ALL day long. 10 hours. it was amazing. i am still sore and stiff, but it was worth it. i'm glad we got to do a trip like that before we got too busy. i hope that we can find time to spend together even though we're both going to be insanely busy with school and work. he starts applying and interviewing for jobs soon...real jobs. like a career. it's pretty scary...and i'm not the one looking for a job. i know he's going to do so great. i just hope he can find something close by. i don't want to be far away from him. it's too hard. not fun at all.